Brad and I, we have our problems, just as everyone else does, but in some way i feel like finding him was the universe's way of offering some type of compensation for the past. But lately, we've hit a rough patch. Demons from his past and the horrid holidays have put a tention between us that sometimes i wonder if im the only one thats feeling it. its mostly when he doesnt think im paying attention that i see this look on his face, a look that breaks my heart. a look like there is a pain inside of him that not even i can remedy. I wish i could just reach into his mind and remove all the pain. I often feel like there is something he's not telling me. I wish i could get him to understand that there is no one in this world who loves him like i do. sometimes i think he gets it. but he forgets. i see him, rubbing his forehead, pretending to be lost in some apocalyptic movie when really deep down, i can feel that he's trapped inside his head, somewhere deep down that i may never get to see. I know i've been there before, where you let your mind wonder so far deep down if feels like you've got perceptual tunnel vision into yourself. But to see someone else, someone i love, drowned in his own thoughts of past events it breaks my heart. I've often been told by people "montana you can't save everyone" and my reply is always "why not". I can see now he is going through something bigger than the normal 'rough patch' between couples. although i do not understand it, There are some things in this world i will never understand. Things that, i will never come close to understanding, and things i do not wish to understand. However with brad, i will never stop trying to understand. when i met brad he was on the brink of control. i could almost smell it. i've never seen someone on such a pivital point. and as the second i realized he was a teetering between himself and his demons, i also realized something else, I realized i loved him. There is something about watching him stand outside in the sunlight that makes my existence worth it. Something about they way he puts his hands on my face that melts me. I feel like when im with him im at the right place, at the right time, and something about his beauty, not only physical, that makes me want to be a better person. If there ever were proof of a higher being or a deity, it would be in his aura, or in the way that just the fact that he exists makes me feel. So to see something i hold in such regard, sit at the edge of the bed when he doesn't know i've awakened and hold his head in his hands scares me. I can admit im not the perfect significant other. I have my flaws as does everyone else, but to see him the way he's been these past few weeks is probably the most humbling thing i've experienced. So no, i might not be able to save the world; but, I refuse to not try. I've never believed in soulmates or fate, but what i do believe in is that there is something in that man's smile and his presence that i will not give up on. he has become so much of apart of myself that i dont think it would be possible even if i were to try to let go. I just hope, that this is not a one sided battle. I hope he knows how much i really do love him. and how much i would give to not see that bottomless gaze in his eyes. Hopefully one day he will learn to trust me, because he's one of the very few people that actually can. I can honestly say there is nothing, i wouldn't do for him. nothing i couldn't accept or understand if he needed me too. Since the day we met i knew he was going to be apart of my future. That i am right here, right now, for him. not myself.
