This is not my typical kind of blog. I'm not writing to exaggerate some debilitating disaster that has presented itself in my ever-so-spontaneous life. No, I'm writing because for the first time everything in my life (or at least the majority of things) is good. When I say good, I don't mean they're not bad, which is normally how I would categorize things to a passing neighbor, or to an old friend at lunch. For the first time in as long as i can remember I am truly happy. Its normally not 12 hours before I get lost in thought or in some melancholy song that dips my subconscious back into the depths of the dark part of my mind. A part that so few people know about, and even fewer truly understand. However, in the present day, that is not the case, its been days that I haven't visited that dark place. I've actually thought about those problems and been at peace with what's happened to me. I'm not holding grudges, or feeling resentment or bitterness. Honestly, I'm the happiest I've ever been, and I'm ridiculously in love with the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with. Its like a 1950's poster in my head right now. I don't want what I'm about to say give the impression that I'm not, and haven't always been thankful for what I have. I know exactly how lucky I am for the people in my life. I hope they know how much I appreciate them, and how indescribably thankful I am that they are in my life. Which brings up the underlying motive behind my writing; don't get me wrong I am happy, and that's what scares the hell out of me. When the bottom is falling out of everything at least you know what your problems are; however, in my newly found exhilaration I also find something I'm not used to feeling, and that is unsure. I have this underlying fear that not only am I only happy based on my own ignorance of a problem or lie I just haven't discovered yet; but, that I'm afraid that if I let myself be happy, if only for a minute, then I'll be mortified that the wool has been being pulled over my eyes the whole time. Don't be mistaken, I am not one who is easily fooled or predicted. I know what's going on around me weather the people trying to keep me in the dark like it or not. Which is why now that I have no reason to suspect the people around me, I feel I can only suspect myself. I feel like I'm at a crossroads. On one hand if I wave my suspicions off as just not being used to things going well in my life, then what happens when chaos strikes once again and it turns out I was wrong all along. I'm not afraid of being happy, I'm afraid of being fooled. The only thing worse than a problem is a problem you didn't see coming. So how do I let my guard down, how do I shake the feeling that everything is going to fall apart, that I need to keep walking on eggshells. If I trust and I'm wrong, will that be worse than not trusting to begin with? There have been more than a few times in my life, especially in my younger years, that all I have been left with is my dignity. So what happens when I let go of feeling like the bottom is going to fall out at any second and then it does? If I trust the people around me and I get hurt, It'll just undo all the progress I've made with myself; however, If I don't then maybe all hope is lost to begin with. I want so much to believe that this amazing stage of my life will last forever, that exhaling really is letting go. It's like holding a grenade with no pin in it, that was given to you by someone you love. Do you trust them it wont explode? Even if past experience has taught you that you can't?Do the words "trust me, it wont happen again" ever really mean anything? If I let my guard down, and I get hurt... I really don't know if I can do that again. How do you trust something you know is programmed to hurt you? "I've changed" is an even bigger lie than "I'm fine." I just don't know if I can go back to believing one and telling the other.
